


Swear This One You'll Save

by Lif61 (UltimateFandomTrash)



Series: Whumptober 2020 [8]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: "Don't say goodbye", Angst, Day 8, Destiel Angst, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, Where did everybody go?, Whumptober 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:28:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26918878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UltimateFandomTrash/pseuds/Lif61
Summary: Castiel thinks it's time to say goodbye, and Dean isn't ready to let someone else leave his life.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Whumptober 2020 [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1947223
Kudos: 30
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	Swear This One You'll Save

**Author's Note:**

> Whumptober 2020
> 
> No 8. WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?
> 
> "Don't Say Goodbye"

“No, no, Cas. You—You can’t do this. You can’t!”

“I have to.”

“You stupid son of a bitch!”

Dean grabbed Castiel, forcing him against the wall.

No, _no_. He couldn’t leave. He couldn’t!

“Why do you have to go?” Dean growled in his face, voice seeming loud in the empty bunker hallway.

Castiel shoved Dean back.

“You don’t _want me_ , Dean. Not really. You know what I see when you look at me? I see a child. Someone still hurt from how he grew up. And you’re desperate for someone, anyone, to fill that hole. But that hole won’t be filled until you face it. You can’t run away from this.”

Dean faltered back, a tear falling.

“Wh-why are you saying this?”

“Because it’s the truth. Because... I want to be with you. I want to be with you so badly it aches. But I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to be your crutch.”

Dean was in front of him again, caressing his face, his hair, any part of him he could get his hands on, to _make him understand_.

“Shut up. You won’t be. I already got plenty o’ crutches. My co-dependency with Sam, alcohol…” Dean faltered, and he let Castiel see his tears now, let him see how much this hurt, how much he cared about him. “Cas, you’re my family. You’re that — nothin’ else. I would never use you. You gotta understand that, man.”

Castiel had tears in his eyes now, lips forming a pout, face falling.

“What if I lose you?” he asked, voice broken, rough. Vulnerable.

“Look, we’ve already lost each other,” Dean said. “And we can escape it by pushing each other away, or we can deal with it. You gotta look at your own hole you got inside, Cas. We can do this.”

“No, we can’t.”

Castiel pulled away, and his coat fluttered as he turned and brusquely made his way down the hall.

Dean ran after him, grabbing at his arm, his hand.

“Cas. Cas! Stop this. You’re being _stupid_! Stop!”

Cas paused, hand held in Dean’s, still not facing him.

“You don’t understand. I’ve been alive since before the creation of humanity. Human lives are nothing compared to that.”

“So you’re saying I’m nothing?” Dean’s voice was quiet, hurt.

God, no, this couldn’t be happening.

His whole life was falling and shattering right at his feet. And he was barefoot, stepping on the shards till he bled. Castiel, he… He needed him in his life. He’d been there for years, and they’d been through so much together. They’d made it over so many obstacles, even ones in their own relationship with each other. They’d found how to be friends again, how to care even when the other seemed like the enemy.

But they were never truly enemies.

Castiel meant as much to him as the Impala. Which seemed stupid, at the moment, but… Castiel was his home.

_His HOME._

How to make him stay? How to make him see?

“Come on, baby. Don’t say goodbye.”

“I…” Castiel’s breath hitched on the inhale.

“Cas, please. I need you.”

_I need you._ The words he knew were true. The words that were his replacement for that terrifying, four-letter word that began with _l_. The words that had once broken Castiel out of the sickening mind control and brainwashing of the angels. The only words that Dean could say.

Suddenly, Cas turned to him, and grabbed him, holding him tight. His lips were forced against his, the kiss hard, abrasive. This wasn’t a romantic kiss. This was every desperate, fucked up emotion they had. So Dean kissed back. There wasn’t a world where he wouldn’t kiss back, where he wouldn’t hold him, wanting to claw through his clothes to his skin.

And Castiel, Castiel seemed like he didn’t want to let him go. Bruises would be left on the back of his neck, his shoulder.

Dean tasted those lips, so he could remember them, and he gave himself to Castiel, opening his mouth, begging, hoping.

Maybe if Castiel saw that Dean was here, that he could have him in any form of affection or sex, then he would stay. He knew Castiel wasn’t always one for sex, but it was how Dean communicated with some of the people around him. It was how he got to know someone, how he told them that he cared, even if that care was only temporary, just there for a one-night stand.

Dean and Castiel had had sex before. Sometimes it would start out slow, soft. They were already soft with the way they handled each other in the calm moments, or when one of them was hurt or sick. But in bed, they always ended up letting everything out, trying to let the other one know _all of it_. Pain, love, horror, fury, hate, death.

Death.

That was what Castiel feared — Dean’s death. And Dean feared his. Every few days, Dean wanted to run from that. He did. He understood where his angel was coming from. But for years Dean had fought with that, he’d gotten it down and beaten it. Sometimes the alcohol helped, sometimes shooting and killing things. Castiel couldn’t help in those moments. He couldn’t because Dean would look into his beautiful eyes, and panic would fill him up till he couldn’t breathe, and could hardly speak. He’d say things, things he didn’t really mean, trying to push him away.

Now Dean regretted every angry word he’d ever said. All of it.

Now that being without Castiel was facing him, he couldn’t handle it, he realized that aching, bleeding part of him was wrong.

Being alone wasn’t the answer.

The life of a hunter was tragically short, so Dean had to keep his family close. He had to hold them so tight they would never go.

“Cas, please…” Dean said after pulling away, voice soft, barely daring to breathe. “Please. I—I can’t lose you. It’s happened before, and I told myself I would never — _never_ — let it happen again. You hear me? _Never._ So you want me to break that promise to myself? You want to walk out that door and give up on everything we’ve had since that day in the barn all those years ago? You—You saved me. Don’t be the one making me need saving now.”

Castiel breathed in and out, breaths trembling.

“Dean…”

“I—I love you.”

Dean realized as he said it he was crying.

A sob hitched through him, and he held Castiel’s shoulders, squeezing.

“There, I said it. I fucking said it. And we both know there ain’t no taking it back. So…”

Dean couldn’t go on.

Castiel was crying; they both were.

“I love you too, Dean.”

“So don’t say goodbye,” Dean pleaded, voice soft.

Castiel fell into him again, crying as he held him tightly, and had his head resting against his shoulder.

“I won’t, Dean. Not ever.”

Dean held him, but murmured, fear settling into his gut like a predator watching prey, “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”


End file.
